Maria Sharipova Not Only Woman on Tennis Tour

WIMBLEDON, ENGLAND, Feb. 21 – In a shocking announcement today, the All England Club has revealed that it will now pay women the same amount as men in Wimbledon prize money. This came as a surprise to much of the casual tennis-watching populous, as most Americans believed Maria Sharipova to be the only player on the Women’s tour. “She’s in them ‘Power Shot’ commercials,” commented one man from Texas. “I’d like to give her a ‘Power Shot.’ Heh heh heh.” President Bush then glanced around to see whether the First Lady had heard him, and hurried away from the baffled reporters gathered on the White House lawn, who had been expecting an update on Operation Shitstorm in Iraq.

Rumor has it some of the officials who made the decision felt physically intimidated by the mere presence of Amelie Mauresmo, who at some angles is nearly indistinguishable from the longer-haired pretty boys on tour. “The difference between the men and women on the tour is negligible at this point,” said one high-ranking official. “If it weren’t for the skirts, I would have no idea who I was watching half the time.”

Despite widespread apathy, it is a surprising decision for the tradition-steeped Club, where at one time tennis players not only had to wear white, but they had to be white. “Arthur Ashe was one thing,” said an anonymous staffer, “but women making the same amount of prize money as men? That’s just ridiculous.”

“It just doesn't seem right to us that the lady players could play in three events and could take away significantly more than the men's champion who battles away through these best-of-five matches,'' club chairman Tim Phillips said last year. ''We don't see it as an equal rights issue.'' However, when Serena Williams, who had been in attendance at the press conference screamed, “Who are you calling a lady??” and smashed her racket over her own head like a piece of balsa wood, Philips said, shaking, “I mean, we will pay you as much as the men. It’s clearly the right thing to do.”